<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Holding Steady by clerati</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27525661">Holding Steady</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/clerati/pseuds/clerati'>clerati</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Spite and Sweat [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>X-Men (Original Timeline Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 06:00:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27525661</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/clerati/pseuds/clerati</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It all adds together the same no matter the order. He plus her. Her plus he. Them, they, equals. Joined.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John Allerdyce/Rogue, RYRO - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Spite and Sweat [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Conjugation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chapter rating: T</p><p>I make a reference here to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/octobertown/pseuds/octobertown">Octobertown's</a> <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/1416025">Ashes series</a>, which I've read again and again. I want to dedicate this one to October. Your work is an inspiration.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Do you trust me?” she asks.</p><p>He lets out a hard sigh. “Not really, no.” It’s almost a mutter, but his voice is strong.</p><p>“Why not?” she asks him.</p><p>“You’re not trustworthy.” It’s a simple enough answer, harsh and unfortunately fair.</p><p>She’s quiet for a moment, letting her thoughts trip over themselves. She’s not sure exactly what she wants to say except that they can’t go on like this. After a while, she lets her mind blank and just looks at him—his skin, his full lips, his dark eyelashes, and those eyes of his, like the sky just before a storm hits. His body is steady, like it always is now-in-days. She’s tried to poke fun at him, missing the nervous tick of his fingers, but he takes it to this sweet and earnest place that catches her breath. He says she steadies him, and she knows he can’t imagine not having her there anymore. </p><p>“Well, at least I know you’ll never lie to me.”</p><p>His lips part a little in response, like he has some biting remark just at the tip of his tongue, but he holds back. He always holds back. She resents it a little, if she’s being honest. It’s unfair for him to be so… perfect… when she fails him everyday by hesitation. </p><p>But she tries. She really tries to get there, to be the strong, reliable thing for him that he is for her. It feels like the least she can do. </p><p>“I know…” she’s not sure where she’s going with this, but his attention is focused and she can’t bear to disappoint him by letting the moment fall away. “...that…”</p><p>She’s shivering a little. He catches the slight tremor and pulls her gloved hands into his, chuckles a little that she manages to catch a chill even through all the layers her powers necessitate. </p><p>“Don’t laugh at me.” she remarks, her voice lighter than it’s been all day. “I’m trying to become as sweet of a person as you are.”</p><p>“But you’re not sweet.” The words come out of his mouth without even a little hesitation. </p><p>“Hey!” she pulls one of her hands away to swat at him, and he laughs. It’s funny, and she can’t help a little laughter too, even as she feels some hurt creep in. “If I’m not sweet and not trustworthy, why are you even here?”</p><p>He raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Sorry.” He brings her loose hand into his again. “I didn’t know you were feeling insecure today.”</p><p>“I’m not-” she starts, but he tilts his head incredulously, and she feels caught. “Fine. I just feel like you’re better at all of this than I am.”</p><p>“Well, I am. You kind of suck at this.”</p><p>“John!”</p><p>His laughter is loud this time, unrestrained. His head tilts back and his cheeks flush. He’s just so beautiful. </p><p>“I just...” she starts again, and he stifles his laughter to focus on her again, a tight grin and shining eyes intent on her. “I just don’t want that we started all wrong to…” His face falls. He’s serious now. “I don’t want to have ruined everything before we even started.”</p><p>There’s something wild in his eyes now, dangerous even, she thinks. “Is something ruined?” He’s just holding back panic. </p><p>“Well…” She has trouble with words. </p><p>“You’re unhappy.” His hands tighten around hers. She’s not sure what she’d do without his warmth at this point. </p><p>“No! No.” The 'no’s tumble from her mouth like a pulsing river, the current trying to push things forward. “This is what I mean. You… you’re… Ugh.” She’s frustrated, and his hands are still tight and they’re starting to feel like a noose. She tries to resist the urge to tear away from him, and he feels her fingers stretching and vibrating and pulls back on his own. She trails her palms after his, and finds she’s more comfortable with her hands being the ones binding them. “I love you.” </p><p>“I love you too.” The words fall easily from his lips, and he calms a little. She’s gotten good at saying that and has been generous about it. He’s not exactly sure what they’re fighting about. “I thought things were good between us. They’ve felt good.”</p><p>“Really? I’m not trustworthy and yet things feel good.”</p><p>“Well…” He doesn’t show any sign at finishing the thought.</p><p>“I know I screwed up before... with Bobby and with dating him in the first place. I’m sorry. I was just hiding.”</p><p>Another hard sigh. He grabs at one of her hands, enveloping it, but pulls the other away to run through his hair and then hangs it on his other side. </p><p>“I would never do that to you.”</p><p>He has that same incredulous look from before, but it’s not smug this time. “You already did.”</p><p>She never thought to think what it must have felt like for him. She knew she wasn’t doing right by him, but the suggestion that he felt like the one she was being unfaithful to took her back.</p><p>“And don’t act like you didn’t love him too.” His jaw tensed.  “He was your first. I can tell, you know.” </p><p>She felt a little dizzy. </p><p>“And we were together then. It could have been me. You chose him.”</p><p>She did. She had chosen Bobby every bit as much as John. It was an original sin that weighed on them. “You’re right, but it’s not the same.”</p><p>He scoffed, and her heart jumped into her throat like a barbell. </p><p>“It’s not. I did love him, you’re right.” She watched his body get hard, the muscles in his arms pulse, could feel the fidget of his fingers against the silk of her glove. She put the hand not trapped in his on his arm, trying to be reassuring. “But it was different. It was less. Maybe there’s more than one kind of love. I don’t know. “ She almost can’t stop the words once she’s gotten started. “And I felt really safe, and I think it’s because I just didn’t feel as much, you know. He loved me more than I loved him. It’s a really comfortable position to be in.”</p><p>He’s holding his breath a little, exhaling hard through his nose and sharp through his mouth at irregular intervals.</p><p>“I know that you can see that this is hard for me and I don’t want you to think it’s because I miss him—I don’t—or because I love him more, because I really don’t. I think you’re the love of my life.”</p><p>He takes her words in, still feeling a bit like a cornered horse. He can’t imagine her indulging in such delicate sentiments, but he hadn’t believed in love at all until he met her. The entire concept seemed a bit ridiculous. </p><p>“I would take it back if I could. I need you to believe me.” She pulls her arms away, stands up quickly, gives a small pace. Her entire body feels like tachycardia. His expression is twisted in worry and his hands are all over the place, fingers twitching, palming his lighter through his pocket, and then reaching for her. She steadies him. </p><p>He pulls at her, and she falls easily into his body, caresses his face, traces his hairline and cheekbones and jaw, before moving her palm over his mouth to kiss him in the only way she can think of without hurting him. She can feel his lips perk when he realizes what she’s doing, but his eyes are confused when she pulls away. He pulls at her wrist to move her hand away so he can kiss her properly, and she intercedes before he can manage it. </p><p>“Do you believe me?”</p><p>He doesn’t even think before answering, eyes intent on her mouth and body already crashing against hers. His yes is barely a whisper as their lips touch. </p><p>“Really?” She can’t help it. And he answers yes again and again even as she stops asking the question, kissing her long and hard, barely taking the necessary breaks to catch his breath. </p><p>With anyone else in her head like this, she thinks she’d go crazy, but he steadies her too. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Come by <a href="https://clerati.tumblr.com/">my tumblr</a> sometime! </p><p>I post thought processes, updates, and at least once a sneak peak. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Matrix Clauses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chapter rating: T</p><p>This chapter is my best attempt at Fluff. Wish me luck!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She loves the after. There’s something to the during, to the power center of his coming and going, their growing and shattering. There’s the stickiness to the before, saccharine slick and humming, everything slow. </p><p>The after though, that’s clarity. <br/>
<br/>
He breathes hard, then slower. Her heartbeat is a crack in her chest, breaking deeper and fuller, and then a steadying. Their eyes float over each other. She is earth and he is sky, and the in between is everything. </p><p>She rolls herself toward him, atop him. There are layers, safety measures, contingencies. They’ve done the math and found the necessary algorithms of loving and being loved. She traces the line of his nose to his lips. They’re silk sinking and sliding and tasting. He comes back to life against her mouth.<br/>
<br/>
“Are you hungry?” His voice is the shift before an earthquake.<br/>
<br/>
“Full.” Hers tastes like strawberries. </p><p>They’re a lightness in empty time. </p><p>He reaches up, tangles a hand in her hair, trails his other up and down her spine. Her eyes  close, and he thumbs the curve of her waist, cups it. She’s serene with parted lips and joined eyelashes, and it’s a break when he flips them. Her laugh is a chandelier splitting light into a kaleidoscope around the room. His is waves crashing against a rocky shore.<br/>
<br/>
“We really found each other.” </p><p>She’s not sure who said it and which of them just thought it really loud, but it all adds together the same no matter the order. He plus her. Her plus he. Them, they, equals. Joined.<br/>
<br/>
He watches her slip into a dressing gown, pull her hair into a bun, brush the nape of her neck with her fingertips. She turns her head, feels the heat of his gaze on her. His face is soft, hair fallen over his eyes, cheeks. His lips are blushed and wet, and hers. </p><p>His eyes flicker over her face, her arms, her legs. He watches her hands as she fixes her face. She darkens her eyebrows, powders her forehead and nose, paints her lips. He lays his hands on her shoulders and her hands still, fall to her sides. He lets her hair down and grabs the brush she offers him. Her hair is soft, and auburn in the light except where it’s blinding. It lays like a waterfall. </p><p>She has really pretty hair, and that’s the kind of corny shit he thinks when he looks at her. He luxuriates in brushing it, in doing that for her, in sharing this kind of intimate moment.</p>
<hr/><p>They’re not exactly friends again, but Bobby and Kitty and Piotr are all single now and figuring it out, and the focus of the group has shifted. It’s something like forgiveness, having your sins forgotten, laid to rest as something outdated, boring. Well, her sins really, but what’s hers is his and whatnot. Their past is as shared as their future, as their notoriety was and their obsolescence is now.<br/>
<br/>
He’s never been so happy to be overlooked, because it’s relaxed her and that matters.<br/>
<br/>
“Remember when Kitty was being judgy over me.” Rogue is enjoying it a little too much, and Jubilee encourages it in her own way. “At least I know who my man is.”<br/>
<br/>
“Like you didn’t do the dance.” Jubilee teases her, and he laughs.<br/>
<br/>
Rogue shoots them both a look of mock-hurt. Well, it’s mostly mocking. She has her sore spots, but he’s here and it balms her.<br/>
<br/>
His hands are in the air. “I didn’t say anything.”<br/>
<br/>
“And you better keep your trap about it shut too.” She grabs a fry from his plate and tosses at him.<br/>
<br/>
He laughs because there was a time this was a fight they would have, and he kind of feels bad for Bobby in a new way, sort of. The growing pains are worth it, but you don’t see them coming.<br/>
<br/>
Bobby’s huddled against KItty in a way that suggests a cone of silence, but there’s no silence or secrets in these halls for them. They’ve been too public about the whole thing. </p><p>“Drake!” John’s voice is a baritone drum, and Jubilee is eyeing Piotr as Rogue eyes him. “Foosball?” <em> You look like you need help</em>. </p><p>Bobby takes the lifesaver, and maybe they really are friends again. </p>
<hr/><p>“Oh! Strawberry crumble!” She’s giddy. Her white stripe whips in the air as she runs over to the counter to join him. “It’s probably not smart to steal the local telepath’s drug of choice-” She slips a spoon into the milky pink. “But how am I supposed to resist?” The sound she makes as she wraps her mouth around the silverware is guttural with notes of elation and relief.<br/>
<br/>
“She’ll buy more.” He grabs the spoon from her hands as she digs in for another scoop, and licks it clean. </p><p>Their sins are shared, always.<br/>
<br/>
He licks the swells of the spoon with a darting tongue, notices that she’s watching him closely. There’s strawberry ice cream at the corner of his mouth, and she licks her own lips before licking his. They kiss, and they taste the same.<br/>
<br/>
He palms her cheek, brushes her hair behind her ear as she deepens the kiss again, again, again, and parts them with a thumb tracing her jaw. Her forehead hovers over his, and he says ‘later’ because they have time.<br/>
<br/>
“Later.” she confirms.<br/>
<br/>
Later in closed rooms that are private not because they’re a secret, but because some things are just thiers.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Fin. Thanks for spending Spite and Sweat with me.</p><p>Please comment and water my crops y'all! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>